One of the greatest frustrations in marriage arises when we try to change our spouse, often leading to significant tension. We lack the power to change others - that is the work of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, learning to accept our spouse is one of the greatest keys to happiness in marriage.
In life, there are things God has placed under our
control and others that are beyond our control. Ecclesiastes 7:13 says,
"Consider the work of God: for who can make that straight, which he hath
made crooked?"
There is a popular prayer by Saint Francis that says, “Lord, grant me courage to change the things I can change, serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
In dealing with our spouses, we see from God's Word how He handles us with wisdom. This is the attitude we must adopt to enjoy rest in our marriages. Ephesians 1:6 says, "To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved." The key word is ‘accepted.’
God loves us despite our sins; His love for us motivates us to change and please Him. The key is acceptance. If we wait until we are perfect before we relax and enjoy each other, we will be disappointed. We must learn to accept each other!
Acceptance means having a disposition to
accommodate people.
This is achieved by creating an environment where you can love your spouse.
The secret is to create an
environment of love, which will eventually motivate change. Love is the
greatest motivator for change. Psalm 130:3-4 says, "If thou,
LORD, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand? But there is
forgiveness with thee..."
There are certain aspects of your
spouse that you must accept:
- Temperament: Each
temperament has its weaknesses. You cannot change this, but you can accept
it.
- Family or Background: People do
not choose their family or background; God does. Individuals act better
when they know better. Pray as Jesus did, "they know not..."
- Physical Appearance: Accept the
looks of your spouse.
- Character Weaknesses:
Acknowledge and accept the weaknesses in your partner's character.
- Accept the masculinity or femininity of your
spouse: There are inherent differences between men and
women:
- Needs: Men and
women have different primary needs.
- Respect vs. Love: The
mistake is to supply your own need to the other person instead of their
need. This must be corrected with knowledge.
- Friendship: Men seek
companionship, while women value conversation. Friendship requires
tearing down walls erected by past pains, fostering vulnerability,
transparency, and heart-to-heart communication. Men like to share
interests, and women need conversation.
- Thinking and Processing:
- Men: Logical
thinkers, focusing on facts, ideas, and concepts.
- Women: Emotional
feelers, focusing on feelings.
- Men think, then feel. Women feel, then think.
- Speaking and Hearing:
- Speaking: When a
man speaks, it’s an expression of his thoughts. When a woman speaks, it’s
an expression of her feelings. Men use words to convey facts; women use
words to communicate feelings.
- Hearing: Men
listen to receive information, while women experience listening
emotionally. Women evaluate verbal and nonverbal communication, receiving
and perceiving it mentally and emotionally simultaneously. Men use these
functions separately.
- Orientation: Women are
relationship-oriented, while men are object-oriented.
- For example, a woman was trying to discuss a
sensitive matter about the children in the car while the driver was
driving. The husband hinted that they should talk about it later. The
woman felt her husband implied she was talking too much, whereas the man
implied that security is important.
Understanding these differences allows couples to tailor their communication styles to better match how they both receive and process information.
Creating a peaceful and harmonious
marriage is within your reach. Take the following steps to foster an atmosphere
of peace and acceptance in your relationship:
- Actively Pursue Peace: Make a
conscious decision to avoid quarrels and seek peaceful resolutions. Romans
12:18 reminds us to live peaceably with all, as much as it depends on
us.
- Pray for Your Spouse: Rather
than nagging or complaining, commit your spouse to God in prayer. Trust in
the power of prayer to bring about change. Proverbs 11:29 and
Proverbs 21:9 highlight the consequences of strife and the
value of a peaceful home.
- Surrender to God’s Word and the Holy Spirit:
Let God’s Word and the Holy Spirit guide your thoughts and emotions. Allow
them to have the final say over your actions and reactions.
- Celebrate Positivity: Focus on
and celebrate the positive qualities of your spouse. Look for the good and
you'll find it.
- Create a Haven of Peace: Make your home a
sanctuary of tranquillity. The peace you maintain is evidence of your
identity as a child of God. Remember Matthew 5:9,
"Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children
of God."
By embracing these principles, you
can build a stronger, more peaceful, and loving marriage. Remember, we are all
under construction, and God is still at work in each of us.
CALL
TO ACTION: