I once heard the story of a young
girl on a bus in Lagos. An elderly woman accidentally stepped on her toes, and
the girl responded by being very rude, insulting the woman, and raising her
voice. Despite the elderly woman's attempts to apologize and other passengers
urging the girl to be respectful and calm down, she continued her tirade.
Eventually, the girl got off the bus, and everyone else continued their
journey.
Sometime later, the elderly woman's
son was about to introduce his girlfriend to his mother. To everyone's
surprise, the girlfriend turned out to be the same girl who had been rude on
the bus. If I were the mother of that boy, I can only imagine my reaction.”
Emotional intelligence involves being
aware of our emotions and current state, understanding how our actions and
emotions impact those around us, and managing and controlling them despite
life's stresses, challenges, and triggers. It means not allowing our emotions
to overpower us. Our emotions and behavior originate from within us, not from
others. It's not about saying someone made us feel or act a certain way. The
truth is, in the same situation, another person might react differently. This
awareness and control are at the heart of emotional intelligence. Proverbs
25:28 (NLT) A person without self-control is like a city with
broken-down walls. Your emotions and behaviour truly originate from within
you, which means you are responsible for them. It's essential to reach a point
where you can acknowledge, "I am responsible for my behaviours." This
is important, especially in marriage.
Emotions can be very powerful and
intense, encompassing both positive and negative feelings. While positive
emotions like joy and happiness are beneficial, our focus here is on negative
emotions and their impact on our well-being and our marital relationships, including courtship. It has been scientifically and medically proven that our
emotions significantly affect our health. Therefore, it is crucial to learn how
to manage and control our emotions, ensuring they do not overwhelm us.
A good way to manage your emotions is
to understand that your feelings are reporting to you, and not to dictate your
actions. They are signalling that something is the matter. This awareness
invites you to be introspective and examine why you are feeling this way. Your
emotions reveal the state of your heart, what is going on within you, where
your hope and trust lie, and what you consider important.
Therefore, your emotions are there to
report to you, not to control you; rather, you are supposed to control them.
This is important because how you feel about something signals the start of
deeper understanding, provided you take the time to reflect and address the
situation proactively rather than just reacting. Ultimately, your emotions
merely reflect your comprehension and perspective on the issue at hand.
Being emotionally intelligent is
crucial for healthy relationships especially in marriage and to avoid
constantly being upset. The Bible says, "The wrath of man does not
produce the righteousness of God," James 1:20, so it’s
important to manage your emotions wisely. When you notice your emotions are
getting out of control, take time out. Calm yourself down
and talk to God: “Lord, I feel very upset and angry right now, and I don’t want
to let these emotions take over. I ask for Your help and grace.” You will
discover that God will respond to you.
Also, reflect on your own feelings:
ask yourself “Why am I feeling this way?” If you realize that your emotions
stem from internal struggles and are causing you to lash out at others for
relief, it’s crucial to correct yourself. Identify the emotions you're
experiencing and remember that your feelings originate from within you. Psalm
42:5,11 & 43:5. “Why are thou cast down, o my soul?”
In a situation where someone else is
involved, you might say, “I need to pause this conversation for now because I
won’t be at my best. Can we continue this later?” During this time, ask the
Holy Spirit for grace and take control of your responses. Aim to handle issues
thoughtfully and deliberately, rather than reacting impulsively.
If underlying issues such as past
traumas or unresolved feelings are affecting you, seek help to address these
emotional burdens. Be honest with yourself and ask the Lord for guidance and
support.
Remember, you can’t control
everything in life - such as other people’s actions or behaviours - but you can
control your own actions, choices, and reactions. Focus on what you can manage:
your words, your feelings, and your decisions.
Call to Action:
·
Decide to take steps that will enhance your emotional
intelligence and improve your interactions and well-being.
·
When you feel emotions rising, take a moment to step
back. Use this time to pray and seek guidance from the Holy Spirit.
· If a situation involves others and you're not in the
right state of mind to engage in a conversation, politely request to continue
the conversation later.
· Focus on handling your reactions thoughtfully. Avoid
reacting impulsively and instead, respond with intention and calm.
· Address any underlying emotional issues or past
traumas by seeking help. Be honest with yourself about your struggles and ask
for the support you need.
· Concentrate on what you can control - your own actions,
choices, and responses. Let go of concerns about things and people beyond your
control.