I remember when my children were
younger, and they would often come to me upset and seeking my attention after
having conflicts with each other. One would cry and shout, saying things like,
"She hit me!" or "She took my toy!" Meanwhile, the other
would insist, "I didn’t do anything! She took my toy and hit me!" It
was amusing to see them shift blame and argue like that, even though they were
just kids.
But isn't that often how many adults
behave as well? They blame the other person, find faults with them, and hold
them responsible for everything going wrong, including their own personal
reactions. They even blame their partners for their own emotional responses.
Many people continuously tally up
their partner's mistakes and errors, some even keep records of their partner's
wrongdoings. Whenever issues arise, they always focus on the other person's
missteps, failures, and shortcomings. Some even remember the exact date when
their spouse committed an offense. This is such a burdensome way to live.
The day we mature to understand that
marriage is a two-way street and that whatever happens in the relationship is
never entirely one person's fault is the day we will start to have a different
experience.
There's something called
responsibility. You need to mature to a point where you decide to own your part
in the dynamics. Own your path first. I learned this from my husband. Many
times, when things go wrong or aren't going well, he always says, "I ask
myself, what did I contribute to this? In what way did I enable this? In what
way did I contribute to this situation, to this stalemate?" That's
responsibility.
We need to reach a point where we
take responsibility for our own actions and inputs instead of just blaming the
other person. You must be accountable! The truth is, no matter the offense or
provocation, if we choose a different approach and take responsibility for how
we respond to the situation, it's possible to have a different outcome. Even if
it's not your fault or you didn't initiate the tension, you still have a
responsibility to act in a way that de-escalates the situation. Own your part
and stop blaming the other person.
It's possible to act in a way that
de-escalates tension and to notice things you previously overlooked that might
have caused the tension in the first place. Remember, it’s neither mature nor
proactive to handle situations by simply blaming the other person. Instead, ask
yourself what you contributed to the situation, what you could have done
differently, and what you should do differently moving forward. If there are
issues that need to be addressed with your partner, bring them up appropriately
and responsibly. Blaming doesn’t solve any problems; it’s taking responsibility
that leads to resolution.
Call to Action
Self-Reflect: Take a
moment to reflect on your recent conflicts. Ask yourself what role you played
and what you could have done differently.
Communicate Wisely: Address
issues with your partner calmly and constructively, focusing on solutions
rather than blame.
Take Responsibility: Commit to
owning your part in any disagreement. Remember, de-escalation starts with
understanding your own actions.
Seek Improvement: Continuously
strive to improve your communication and conflict resolution skills. Make it a
habit to learn and grow from each experience.
Encourage Accountability: Foster a
relationship where both partners take responsibility for their actions,
creating a healthier and more supportive environment for both of you.