When marriages fail, people often cite "incompatibility" or "irreconcilable differences" as the reasons. This underscores the importance of successfully relating to one another for a marriage to thrive. However, many people mistakenly define compatibility as automatic "chemistry," the ability to live together without conflict, or an effortless, perpetual closeness. Compatibility is not something you possess; it's something you create. It is a process that you actively make happen. This process is ongoing and not a fixed state. Therefore, you must continuously work at it!
What is compatibility?
Compatibility
refers to the degree to which two or more things can coexist or work together
without conflicts, issues, or problems. In simple terms, it is the quality of
being well-suited to function harmoniously together. In marriage, compatibility
involves the level of harmony, mutual understanding, and shared values between
spouses. It’s about establishing an environment that nurtures a healthy and
lasting partnership, which involves living with consideration and respect for
each other. Early in my marriage, God instructed me, “Do not take your spouse
for granted.” This has deeply influenced my relationship with my husband,
shaping my actions and thoughts. Today, it remains a core principle in my
marriage, guiding me to interact with my spouse with sincerity, openness, and
sensitivity. All glory to God!
Ultimately, you are shaped
by your thoughts. This is evident in the scriptures, which caution about
mindsets in Proverbs 23:7 (KJV): "For as he thinketh in
his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with
thee."
However,
compatibility is not automatic; it is something you create. It is a
disposition, a mindset, an attitude, and something you must be willing to work
at. So, to achieve compatibility in our relationships, we must work on our
mindsets. This requires a conscious and deliberate effort to develop the right
approach to relating with each other in the marriage. Living in harmony is
possible, but it demands the right mindset to make it happen. It is a way of
thinking!
Example of building compatibility in scriptures
An
example of building compatibility can be seen in the story of Isaac and
Abimelech in Genesis 26:13-31. The passage describes how Isaac became
very prosperous, prompting Abimelech to say to him, "Go from us; for thou
art much mightier than we." Isaac then moved to the valley of Gerar.
Later, Abimelech, along with Ahuzzath and Phichol, approached Isaac and
acknowledged God's presence with him. They sought to make a covenant with
Isaac, ensuring peace between them. The two parties swore an oath and departed
in peace.
This
story demonstrates that even enemies can live together in peace when
compatibility is at work, though they may not become close friends. Insecurity,
as seen in Abimelech's reaction to Isaac's success, can cause disharmony. This can also occur in
marriages when one partner is more successful, causing the other to display
insecurity by overreacting to trivial matters, becoming overly protective of
their interests, or showing jealousy and envy. However, when Abimelech recognised that Isaac was a blessing rather than
a threat, they made peace and lived together harmoniously.
Similarly,
in marriage, we must recognise that our gifts and strengths are meant to
complement each other for the good of the relationship, not drive us apart.
Relating wisely to each other fosters harmony and peace in the home. The chemistry needs to be
intentionally cultivated!
Why build compatibility in our marital relationships?
·
For harmonious coexistence. We need harmony in the
home, and so we build compatibility.
· For handling differences appropriately and wisely.
God encourages unity, not uniformity. Psalm 133:1-3 Behold, how
good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!... for
there the Lord commanded the blessing, even life for evermore.
· To foster mutual understanding in marriage and help
reduce or prevent frequent conflicts, it is essential for couples to learn
tolerance and accommodate each other, recognising that no one is perfect. The
process of building compatibility fosters tolerance and patience in how
partners relate to each other.
· For a conducive environment for the Holy Spirit to
dwell. Rom 14:17 For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink;
but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.
A
word for singles:
Singles
should enter marriage with the understanding that compatibility can be
developed. This perspective will instil a sense of responsibility and
encourage both partners to contribute to the success of the relationship.
CALL TO ACTION
·
For the married: Commit to actively building and
nurturing compatibility in your relationship. Embrace patience and tolerance,
and work together to create a harmonious and thriving partnership.
· For singles: Enter marriage with the mindset that
compatibility is something you can build together. Embrace this responsibility,
and actively work towards contributing to the success of your relationship.